Envy is not good

I felt a bit envious yesterday. Despite it being Christmas and all. Not that Christmas day really has any real religious significance for an atheist like me, but I do enjoy the festivity that normally takes place. Christmas in Africa was pretty much non-existent. Why did I feel envious? I guess it was for two reasons. My colleague got his "soon-to-be-promoted" papers and I didn't, even though I had more specific experience. The other reason was that he also got two really nice gifts that day, and I got nothing.

Silly reasons, but I felt that way. Anyway I quickly just tried to convince myself that I should not feel that way. Yeah right. I am very undisciplined. That's just how I am, and I also am a bit on the lazy side too. So my brain just cannot seem to change. It always will go back to the original thinking which really isn't much.

I have been a bit of neutral force really. I don't mind killing people or things, but it cannot be for no reason. And of course, I believe that innocent people should not suffer or die. So while I am all for capital punishment, there are certain flexibilities.

It's almost time to head out and leave Africa for now. Soon to be back home. I don't mind going back to my island. This time I think I'll go spend time with my Canadian girlfriend. Do some skiing and other winter things. Well I just hope it all turns out well. I'd rather try my best to keep things under-lows.

I drank a bit much yesterday, and my work performance was seriously degraded. I need to watch that. Anyway, I am happy for my colleague. From what I see he is so generous and friendly. There are many traits that he has that I wish I had. But I am inherently selfish and greedy at times. I feel that I only give just for the good feelings and to build an ego, though I keep it well hidden.

That's just how it is. I probably am the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing. The silent killer. The double agent. Because I really hold no allegiance, I am the worst of all. I am neutral. As for women and girls are concerned, I only have two types. The ones I already have had sex with, and the ones who I want to have sex with. All the rest are largely ignored. That includes relatives too I am afraid. What kind of human being am I? Well I guess only I shall keep this secret. It is only I who know the truth about me.