Missing Out

I missed out on the Festive Season this year. I am also feeling a bit crappy and down. I finally had to give P the break up letter. In a way, a part of me is relieved that something finally brought or is bringing closure. It could not continue that way. I was not being fair to her. I must have had sex with 5 girls after she left home and I still was with her. She didn't deserve that. I am not the guy for her.

We shared some great memories, and I'll never forget her nor the good times we had as a couple. Alas as they say, all things do come to an end. There is a part of me that will have a soft spot for her. I hope that I can resolve things eventually.

I have been looking on facebook recently, and I have been lambasted with people from the past. There have been some people I have had sex with and some that I want to have sex with. Hopefully I can score some old and new points with them!

Now this is just the thing. I feel as if I am missing out on it. If I get married to someone, I need to move out in the country somewhere where I won't get distracted or tempted. If I were to ever get married. Whoever that is would have to do good to get my attention and love for that long.

The end of the year is almost up, and it can't seem to finish sooner. I would like to get out of here soon. The sooner I get out and go to the more free land, the sooner my chances of getting sex would be better!

I find I just keep on going back to sex. I need to relax and find a hobby :(

Envy is not good

I felt a bit envious yesterday. Despite it being Christmas and all. Not that Christmas day really has any real religious significance for an atheist like me, but I do enjoy the festivity that normally takes place. Christmas in Africa was pretty much non-existent. Why did I feel envious? I guess it was for two reasons. My colleague got his "soon-to-be-promoted" papers and I didn't, even though I had more specific experience. The other reason was that he also got two really nice gifts that day, and I got nothing.

Silly reasons, but I felt that way. Anyway I quickly just tried to convince myself that I should not feel that way. Yeah right. I am very undisciplined. That's just how I am, and I also am a bit on the lazy side too. So my brain just cannot seem to change. It always will go back to the original thinking which really isn't much.

I have been a bit of neutral force really. I don't mind killing people or things, but it cannot be for no reason. And of course, I believe that innocent people should not suffer or die. So while I am all for capital punishment, there are certain flexibilities.

It's almost time to head out and leave Africa for now. Soon to be back home. I don't mind going back to my island. This time I think I'll go spend time with my Canadian girlfriend. Do some skiing and other winter things. Well I just hope it all turns out well. I'd rather try my best to keep things under-lows.

I drank a bit much yesterday, and my work performance was seriously degraded. I need to watch that. Anyway, I am happy for my colleague. From what I see he is so generous and friendly. There are many traits that he has that I wish I had. But I am inherently selfish and greedy at times. I feel that I only give just for the good feelings and to build an ego, though I keep it well hidden.

That's just how it is. I probably am the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing. The silent killer. The double agent. Because I really hold no allegiance, I am the worst of all. I am neutral. As for women and girls are concerned, I only have two types. The ones I already have had sex with, and the ones who I want to have sex with. All the rest are largely ignored. That includes relatives too I am afraid. What kind of human being am I? Well I guess only I shall keep this secret. It is only I who know the truth about me.

Of two Girlfriends and other things

Funny how I ended up in this situation. Well I brought it on myself so I can't really blame anyone else for it. I just try and please them both, even though P from the Philippines is really being abused by time and distance. I try to reconcile with her. Even though she makes things difficult for me. I guess I am still fond of the memories I had with her initially in the Philippines. When I brought her home, there were too many bad things. I am not sure if I could forget or even get over that. Don't know why I keep on trying. I guess it is because she just doesn't give up and wants to be in this relationship. I don't seem to have the courage yet to break it off with her.

As for C in Canada....hahahaha well look at how the initials work out for the countries! Anyway, that is minor. C is a very nice girl, not all much of a looker, but very very warm and accommodating in her ways. Not much annoys me about her, but just that she can be very naive in a way, and also unaware of certain things. Maybe she is just a product of the developed world. Or maybe I am just someone who envies that and just seeks to oppose her for opposing sake. She and I have cultural differences. She actually follows one, and I don't seem to have any real culture. I am just rogue ghost, or maybe a Mimic Man.

So P and C are both in the picture, and neither seem to be letting up. I on the other hand have my reservations about them both. Albeit for different reasons. For P, I just feel that I have had enough of her short-comings and random insensitivity. For C, well it's mainly how she looks, and how she is just so plain and does not seem to take into account little things of personal hygiene and appearance. But I guess if I didn't place too much attention on looks in general things would work out just fine. If only it were that easy.

The good thing is that they are their respective countries, and I am in mine. Far away from them both. One may visit, but it shall mainly be me who visits them. One may say this is player material, but I don't see it as that. Yes I may also being having a sex friend in Africa too, but it's not like I must do these things. I look for it on a smaller scale. Maybe I am also just a player on a smaller scale. Too depends on who you ask. I prefer to use the term: "Ladies Man". Though I am sure I am a far cry from a true one.

I was talking to a good buddy of mine today. He said that he only goes to places that he feels the urge to visit. And it dawned on me. I was looking for places to go just for the sake of going there. There was no real urge to go. So I might just stay home and do some light travelling on my time off. The urge will come again I am sure. I really should not force the point.

These days I have been feeling a little bit on the blank side. I have these wonderful visions of me playing an instrument, learning a language, actually working out, and all sorts of other "grand" things. But all I do is surf the net, look at erotica and porn, and drink beer in the evenings. I am getting woefully unfit and sedentary. That has to change soon because my health will start to go into serious decline. And I have all the resources at my fingertips and right under my nose is where they lay.

I am suffering from apathy and laziness, but mainly the latter. If only I could just take that first step. And just forget about all the normal predictions that my mind makes, things could just get rolling. It is so just completely up to me. It seems I need someone to force me, or I just do nothing. This is a dangerous and boring path to take. I need to do something soon to change things, or else something or someone just may do it for me...

Travel Plans?

About a year ago I was so excited about the possibility of travel. Well I should say even before that. From my tiny Caribbean island I am probably one of the very few who travel as often and as far away as I have done. But now I am not sure of where to go and how I should do it. And then right now I have realised I prefer having a friend or partner with me than travelling by myself.

Now this friend could be a guy that would share similar interests with me, such as sampling the foreign cuisine, beer, and of course the women where possible! Or it could be a girl, preferably a girlfriend or a girl who I could possibly have sex with. It seems for me the driving factor for travel is actually the possibility of having sex with a local of that particular country rather than seeing the sites or the natural beauty. It seems so messed up I know, but this how I honestly feel. I don't know how or why this happened to me, because I always thought just going to visit and see places outside of the comfort zone was good enough. But all that changed with time.

So now here I am in Africa, with just two weeks of work to go and thinking ambiguously about where to go. Where should I go? Should I go back to Asia? This time look at Singapore? Should I go somewhere closer to home, like Colombia or Peru? My passport is already waring out, and the visa pages are down to one. Where am I to go? I could just stay home again, though there are smaller little trips in the making further down the line, like that Las Vegas trip my girlfriend planned for me. I could do a North American run. But that would be so common. It seems the more time and choices I have the less I seem to do and the harder it is to come to a decision.

I guess I would feel better when I get my new passport, as there is so much trouble and hassle to get new passports now in my country. Someone needs to get shot at the top so that the system could get a complete over-haul. The idiots who run my country all need to be shot and buried in the landfill with the rest of the garbage.

A friend of mine who I have screwed often and quite a few times in her ass has asked me if I want to travel somewhere different. It would be boring in the sense that I would be taking someone who I have continually screwed and completely bored of, abroad. I am not in that good of a mood for that. I am also a bit language shy. I need to pick up another language like Spanish or French. At least to be basic about it. Portuguese is to damn hard.

Japanese or Mandirin appeal more to me, but there seems to be no real function for it right now. Although Japanese would be useful in my quest to have kinky sex with a Japanese girl. But that is a next story all together. Oh well we shall see how that goes.

On Sexual Thoughts...

I think that the title speaks for itself. There are a whole host of Asian young ladies that I would like to have sex with, and maybe even make them a serious girlfriend, but I can't seem to get those girls. Something blocks me one way or the other. Either because I get involved with an "okay" looking girl and can't get to her friends, because they are not "like that". Or I missed my chance years ago! Mainly because I was involved with some other mediocre girl. Then she probably thinks, that I am a player.

Am I a player? Depends who you ask. It's not like I have to score with absolutely everyone I meet. I guess the ones who look slightly okay yes. In fact let me be blunt, I just want to have sex with as many pretty females as possible. That is the instinct I am born with and until something drives me away from that, then that is how it will be.

Just the other day I scored with an African girl. She was actually pretty and not bad looking at all. Slim, with very nice breasts and butt. But I had to have sex in the dark on someones bathroom floor. I guess it is better than nothing, but I could try and do better next time. I guess I am a bit promiscuous, but I think most men naturally are. We are animals anyway.

So I still dream of banging my "friend" for a long time. I still want to tap that ass and stick my fingers into her anus and smell them after. Even the Chinese waitresses in the restaurant. I want to do that to them too! I'll go wild if I was in Asia again. I just want want want. Which is not the best attitude I think. I need to calm myself down from time to time.

Women will come I am sure. I just need to change my game depending on what I want. Marriage? Well, I cannot discard the idea. But for me I need time to have sex with as many pretty Asian and other women as possible. Preferably anal sex too. And of course not catch any STD's!

Well that's pretty much it. I am reluctant to plan a trip if the odds of meeting someone to score with are low. Sex takes precedence over natural sites! Imagine that. I am really a pervert at heart, but I know I am not alone in that department. If any pretty female, wants to go bottomless and spread her butt cheeks and fart right in my face, then please! By all means she is most welcome to do so!

The Darkness that Surrounds..

Ever feel at times that you don't deserve to be happy? That you are being punished for some reason or the other? That the emptiness and darkness surrounds you? If no, well I glad that you are not feeling that way, and please keep it up. As for me, I need to continue struggling.

Whatever mental illness I have is really interfering with my happiness. What the hell is happiness anyway. Something I don't feel much at all these days. It's like someone just sucked it all out of me. Like those creatures in the Harry Potter series, what you call them...the Dementors.

I personally find that whenever I look at Facebook, I see everyone with their happy postings and this and that as well as their photos, and I just feel so sad. I feel jealous as well, because to me they are all happy people having a good time. It could be the furthest thing from the truth, but I cannot help the feelings of sadness and loss, that I have missed out. I cannot even update my profile properly, because I have two girlfriends who are both on Facebook and I can't even change the display picture! That's my fault though.

But I hate this numb and emotionless feeling I get though. I can't see anything clearly. I need to go see my Shrink again. Take some more damned medication again. But if it makes me feel better then so be it. Sure beats the hell out of feeling this way.

Some Flames Don't Die...

Everyone has a past right? Even if it is relatively short. I myself have got a fairly colourful one. I guess one could hope that by colourful I'd mean all nice colours right? Unfortunately that isn't always the case. Quite a few Black and Grey moments too. Even some moments I sometimes think I could have done without, but I tend to believe that somehow all these experiences you have really does in the end help make who you are.

I have a passion, or more like an obsession with a female friend of the past. Now the thing about me is that I am quite a primal man when it comes to females. If you are an acceptable female, not part of the immediate family, and I feel that primal urge to mate with you, then chances are that is what I shall think about and even try to make it happen....peacefully and mutually of course. Well back to this friend. I met her 10 years ago, and always had a huge deep liking for her. She couldn't measure up to my other girlfriend at the time, and I was quite jealous that she was dating my other friends at the time.

Oh what I would have given (And probably still give) to just have that experience her on an intimate level. Even if I could have just had sex with her, that would have been enough. But as the old saying goes: The forbidden fruit is always the sweetest. She may have been the main one, but there were others too, and I'd still would have liked to at least have some kind of sex with them. I still talk to her when I can, but sometimes she doesn't respond nicely. At times it seems that she takes no interest in me, which is true. I tried telling her how I felt once, and got rejected. So chances are nothing will ever happen. But I cannot shake her, I cannot get her out of my mind, and therefore I continue to torture myself by keeping in contact with her.

She, by as far as I know, nor anyone else has any idea of how much I want this young lady. But I guess all I can do for now is want, and keep hope alive with momentary contact with her every now and again, until she gets married to someone else. Then maybe I can have some closure.

She is far away now. Working hard in a foreign land, just as I am doing. One day I want to go visit her, but the time never feels "right". She is in a land which I very much want to go visit, but going there and not getting even one sexual episode of her or any other local seems that it may just be a waste. Yes I am very much a sexual being folks.

Some might say that this "passion" is obsession, and that I just want what I cannot get. They may be right, but the fact remains that it is I who feel these feelings. Deep down inside, despite having two girlfriends in 2 different regions of the world I think I might give them both up just to be with her. I guess I myself do not know the difference between obsession or genuine love. And I am in my late 20's. I hope that one day I can shake this feeling to someone who doesn't have that same reciprocation to me.

I've been with a good bit of girls. Girlfriends, sex-buddies, almost-girlfriends, even almost-fiances...but a part of me feels as if I'd give that whole past up just to see what it would be like to have her with me now as a partner in a relationship. A guy could dream right? You hear a whole lot about people trying to keep their flames alive, but what about the few of us want that flame to die? I guess only time will tell.