Missing Out

I missed out on the Festive Season this year. I am also feeling a bit crappy and down. I finally had to give P the break up letter. In a way, a part of me is relieved that something finally brought or is bringing closure. It could not continue that way. I was not being fair to her. I must have had sex with 5 girls after she left home and I still was with her. She didn't deserve that. I am not the guy for her.

We shared some great memories, and I'll never forget her nor the good times we had as a couple. Alas as they say, all things do come to an end. There is a part of me that will have a soft spot for her. I hope that I can resolve things eventually.

I have been looking on facebook recently, and I have been lambasted with people from the past. There have been some people I have had sex with and some that I want to have sex with. Hopefully I can score some old and new points with them!

Now this is just the thing. I feel as if I am missing out on it. If I get married to someone, I need to move out in the country somewhere where I won't get distracted or tempted. If I were to ever get married. Whoever that is would have to do good to get my attention and love for that long.

The end of the year is almost up, and it can't seem to finish sooner. I would like to get out of here soon. The sooner I get out and go to the more free land, the sooner my chances of getting sex would be better!

I find I just keep on going back to sex. I need to relax and find a hobby :(

Envy is not good

I felt a bit envious yesterday. Despite it being Christmas and all. Not that Christmas day really has any real religious significance for an atheist like me, but I do enjoy the festivity that normally takes place. Christmas in Africa was pretty much non-existent. Why did I feel envious? I guess it was for two reasons. My colleague got his "soon-to-be-promoted" papers and I didn't, even though I had more specific experience. The other reason was that he also got two really nice gifts that day, and I got nothing.

Silly reasons, but I felt that way. Anyway I quickly just tried to convince myself that I should not feel that way. Yeah right. I am very undisciplined. That's just how I am, and I also am a bit on the lazy side too. So my brain just cannot seem to change. It always will go back to the original thinking which really isn't much.

I have been a bit of neutral force really. I don't mind killing people or things, but it cannot be for no reason. And of course, I believe that innocent people should not suffer or die. So while I am all for capital punishment, there are certain flexibilities.

It's almost time to head out and leave Africa for now. Soon to be back home. I don't mind going back to my island. This time I think I'll go spend time with my Canadian girlfriend. Do some skiing and other winter things. Well I just hope it all turns out well. I'd rather try my best to keep things under-lows.

I drank a bit much yesterday, and my work performance was seriously degraded. I need to watch that. Anyway, I am happy for my colleague. From what I see he is so generous and friendly. There are many traits that he has that I wish I had. But I am inherently selfish and greedy at times. I feel that I only give just for the good feelings and to build an ego, though I keep it well hidden.

That's just how it is. I probably am the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing. The silent killer. The double agent. Because I really hold no allegiance, I am the worst of all. I am neutral. As for women and girls are concerned, I only have two types. The ones I already have had sex with, and the ones who I want to have sex with. All the rest are largely ignored. That includes relatives too I am afraid. What kind of human being am I? Well I guess only I shall keep this secret. It is only I who know the truth about me.

Of two Girlfriends and other things

Funny how I ended up in this situation. Well I brought it on myself so I can't really blame anyone else for it. I just try and please them both, even though P from the Philippines is really being abused by time and distance. I try to reconcile with her. Even though she makes things difficult for me. I guess I am still fond of the memories I had with her initially in the Philippines. When I brought her home, there were too many bad things. I am not sure if I could forget or even get over that. Don't know why I keep on trying. I guess it is because she just doesn't give up and wants to be in this relationship. I don't seem to have the courage yet to break it off with her.

As for C in Canada....hahahaha well look at how the initials work out for the countries! Anyway, that is minor. C is a very nice girl, not all much of a looker, but very very warm and accommodating in her ways. Not much annoys me about her, but just that she can be very naive in a way, and also unaware of certain things. Maybe she is just a product of the developed world. Or maybe I am just someone who envies that and just seeks to oppose her for opposing sake. She and I have cultural differences. She actually follows one, and I don't seem to have any real culture. I am just rogue ghost, or maybe a Mimic Man.

So P and C are both in the picture, and neither seem to be letting up. I on the other hand have my reservations about them both. Albeit for different reasons. For P, I just feel that I have had enough of her short-comings and random insensitivity. For C, well it's mainly how she looks, and how she is just so plain and does not seem to take into account little things of personal hygiene and appearance. But I guess if I didn't place too much attention on looks in general things would work out just fine. If only it were that easy.

The good thing is that they are their respective countries, and I am in mine. Far away from them both. One may visit, but it shall mainly be me who visits them. One may say this is player material, but I don't see it as that. Yes I may also being having a sex friend in Africa too, but it's not like I must do these things. I look for it on a smaller scale. Maybe I am also just a player on a smaller scale. Too depends on who you ask. I prefer to use the term: "Ladies Man". Though I am sure I am a far cry from a true one.

I was talking to a good buddy of mine today. He said that he only goes to places that he feels the urge to visit. And it dawned on me. I was looking for places to go just for the sake of going there. There was no real urge to go. So I might just stay home and do some light travelling on my time off. The urge will come again I am sure. I really should not force the point.

These days I have been feeling a little bit on the blank side. I have these wonderful visions of me playing an instrument, learning a language, actually working out, and all sorts of other "grand" things. But all I do is surf the net, look at erotica and porn, and drink beer in the evenings. I am getting woefully unfit and sedentary. That has to change soon because my health will start to go into serious decline. And I have all the resources at my fingertips and right under my nose is where they lay.

I am suffering from apathy and laziness, but mainly the latter. If only I could just take that first step. And just forget about all the normal predictions that my mind makes, things could just get rolling. It is so just completely up to me. It seems I need someone to force me, or I just do nothing. This is a dangerous and boring path to take. I need to do something soon to change things, or else something or someone just may do it for me...

Travel Plans?

About a year ago I was so excited about the possibility of travel. Well I should say even before that. From my tiny Caribbean island I am probably one of the very few who travel as often and as far away as I have done. But now I am not sure of where to go and how I should do it. And then right now I have realised I prefer having a friend or partner with me than travelling by myself.

Now this friend could be a guy that would share similar interests with me, such as sampling the foreign cuisine, beer, and of course the women where possible! Or it could be a girl, preferably a girlfriend or a girl who I could possibly have sex with. It seems for me the driving factor for travel is actually the possibility of having sex with a local of that particular country rather than seeing the sites or the natural beauty. It seems so messed up I know, but this how I honestly feel. I don't know how or why this happened to me, because I always thought just going to visit and see places outside of the comfort zone was good enough. But all that changed with time.

So now here I am in Africa, with just two weeks of work to go and thinking ambiguously about where to go. Where should I go? Should I go back to Asia? This time look at Singapore? Should I go somewhere closer to home, like Colombia or Peru? My passport is already waring out, and the visa pages are down to one. Where am I to go? I could just stay home again, though there are smaller little trips in the making further down the line, like that Las Vegas trip my girlfriend planned for me. I could do a North American run. But that would be so common. It seems the more time and choices I have the less I seem to do and the harder it is to come to a decision.

I guess I would feel better when I get my new passport, as there is so much trouble and hassle to get new passports now in my country. Someone needs to get shot at the top so that the system could get a complete over-haul. The idiots who run my country all need to be shot and buried in the landfill with the rest of the garbage.

A friend of mine who I have screwed often and quite a few times in her ass has asked me if I want to travel somewhere different. It would be boring in the sense that I would be taking someone who I have continually screwed and completely bored of, abroad. I am not in that good of a mood for that. I am also a bit language shy. I need to pick up another language like Spanish or French. At least to be basic about it. Portuguese is to damn hard.

Japanese or Mandirin appeal more to me, but there seems to be no real function for it right now. Although Japanese would be useful in my quest to have kinky sex with a Japanese girl. But that is a next story all together. Oh well we shall see how that goes.

On Sexual Thoughts...

I think that the title speaks for itself. There are a whole host of Asian young ladies that I would like to have sex with, and maybe even make them a serious girlfriend, but I can't seem to get those girls. Something blocks me one way or the other. Either because I get involved with an "okay" looking girl and can't get to her friends, because they are not "like that". Or I missed my chance years ago! Mainly because I was involved with some other mediocre girl. Then she probably thinks, that I am a player.

Am I a player? Depends who you ask. It's not like I have to score with absolutely everyone I meet. I guess the ones who look slightly okay yes. In fact let me be blunt, I just want to have sex with as many pretty females as possible. That is the instinct I am born with and until something drives me away from that, then that is how it will be.

Just the other day I scored with an African girl. She was actually pretty and not bad looking at all. Slim, with very nice breasts and butt. But I had to have sex in the dark on someones bathroom floor. I guess it is better than nothing, but I could try and do better next time. I guess I am a bit promiscuous, but I think most men naturally are. We are animals anyway.

So I still dream of banging my "friend" for a long time. I still want to tap that ass and stick my fingers into her anus and smell them after. Even the Chinese waitresses in the restaurant. I want to do that to them too! I'll go wild if I was in Asia again. I just want want want. Which is not the best attitude I think. I need to calm myself down from time to time.

Women will come I am sure. I just need to change my game depending on what I want. Marriage? Well, I cannot discard the idea. But for me I need time to have sex with as many pretty Asian and other women as possible. Preferably anal sex too. And of course not catch any STD's!

Well that's pretty much it. I am reluctant to plan a trip if the odds of meeting someone to score with are low. Sex takes precedence over natural sites! Imagine that. I am really a pervert at heart, but I know I am not alone in that department. If any pretty female, wants to go bottomless and spread her butt cheeks and fart right in my face, then please! By all means she is most welcome to do so!

The Darkness that Surrounds..

Ever feel at times that you don't deserve to be happy? That you are being punished for some reason or the other? That the emptiness and darkness surrounds you? If no, well I glad that you are not feeling that way, and please keep it up. As for me, I need to continue struggling.

Whatever mental illness I have is really interfering with my happiness. What the hell is happiness anyway. Something I don't feel much at all these days. It's like someone just sucked it all out of me. Like those creatures in the Harry Potter series, what you call them...the Dementors.

I personally find that whenever I look at Facebook, I see everyone with their happy postings and this and that as well as their photos, and I just feel so sad. I feel jealous as well, because to me they are all happy people having a good time. It could be the furthest thing from the truth, but I cannot help the feelings of sadness and loss, that I have missed out. I cannot even update my profile properly, because I have two girlfriends who are both on Facebook and I can't even change the display picture! That's my fault though.

But I hate this numb and emotionless feeling I get though. I can't see anything clearly. I need to go see my Shrink again. Take some more damned medication again. But if it makes me feel better then so be it. Sure beats the hell out of feeling this way.

Some Flames Don't Die...

Everyone has a past right? Even if it is relatively short. I myself have got a fairly colourful one. I guess one could hope that by colourful I'd mean all nice colours right? Unfortunately that isn't always the case. Quite a few Black and Grey moments too. Even some moments I sometimes think I could have done without, but I tend to believe that somehow all these experiences you have really does in the end help make who you are.

I have a passion, or more like an obsession with a female friend of the past. Now the thing about me is that I am quite a primal man when it comes to females. If you are an acceptable female, not part of the immediate family, and I feel that primal urge to mate with you, then chances are that is what I shall think about and even try to make it happen....peacefully and mutually of course. Well back to this friend. I met her 10 years ago, and always had a huge deep liking for her. She couldn't measure up to my other girlfriend at the time, and I was quite jealous that she was dating my other friends at the time.

Oh what I would have given (And probably still give) to just have that experience her on an intimate level. Even if I could have just had sex with her, that would have been enough. But as the old saying goes: The forbidden fruit is always the sweetest. She may have been the main one, but there were others too, and I'd still would have liked to at least have some kind of sex with them. I still talk to her when I can, but sometimes she doesn't respond nicely. At times it seems that she takes no interest in me, which is true. I tried telling her how I felt once, and got rejected. So chances are nothing will ever happen. But I cannot shake her, I cannot get her out of my mind, and therefore I continue to torture myself by keeping in contact with her.

She, by as far as I know, nor anyone else has any idea of how much I want this young lady. But I guess all I can do for now is want, and keep hope alive with momentary contact with her every now and again, until she gets married to someone else. Then maybe I can have some closure.

She is far away now. Working hard in a foreign land, just as I am doing. One day I want to go visit her, but the time never feels "right". She is in a land which I very much want to go visit, but going there and not getting even one sexual episode of her or any other local seems that it may just be a waste. Yes I am very much a sexual being folks.

Some might say that this "passion" is obsession, and that I just want what I cannot get. They may be right, but the fact remains that it is I who feel these feelings. Deep down inside, despite having two girlfriends in 2 different regions of the world I think I might give them both up just to be with her. I guess I myself do not know the difference between obsession or genuine love. And I am in my late 20's. I hope that one day I can shake this feeling to someone who doesn't have that same reciprocation to me.

I've been with a good bit of girls. Girlfriends, sex-buddies, almost-girlfriends, even almost-fiances...but a part of me feels as if I'd give that whole past up just to see what it would be like to have her with me now as a partner in a relationship. A guy could dream right? You hear a whole lot about people trying to keep their flames alive, but what about the few of us want that flame to die? I guess only time will tell.

On Mental Health

Mental health is a subject that in the recent past I have had a great interest in. Mainly because I have reason to believe that it has been this very issue that has affected much of my thinking and actions most of my life.

I have been to counselling with a child psychologist when I was a young boy. I was part of a "play group" and also part of adolescent group therapy. I remember how much I enjoyed that time as well when I was 16. There were two girls there that I liked. However I am naturally shy at times when it comes to girls, especially if I think they're "hard to get". Anyway, let me leave the topic of girls for another post. I have had the experience of almost freaking out and going on anti-depressant medication (Mainly the SSRI class). I know what it is like to feel that medicated "high". It's not bad really, but I always wonder, why am I like this? I have asked that question to my psychiatrists a few times, and both of them feel it is a genetic link.

A genetic link from where? I had asked that question to myself and also to my parents. I thought it may have come from my mother's father, since I was told that he was a grumpy and miserable man, but then again if I had to go through traffic every day and look after 12 kids, some not being my own, I'd be pretty miserable too.

Then came my father's mother. Apparently she never appeared happy to anyone else. Her husband (My Grandfather who I never knew) died pretty young, so I think that must have triggered something. Also back in those days, mental health was not that much of a priority. So I believe this is an inherited condition from her. I could be wrong, but who knows.

I came off of medication again last year. Diagnosed with clinical depression and also possibly a mild case of borderline personality disorder, I have been dealing with these negative and almost self-destructive feelings for years. There are times where I feel down for no reason, also there are times that I feel that nothing I do will make things better. I feel guilty if I have too much of a good time, and feel that I do not deserve happiness because of all the "wrong" I have done.

In the end I know that something can always be done. I am not afraid to admit that I have a condition. I will not allow stigma to get to me, and if I am chosen to be shunned, then so be it. At least I am being true to myself. I will still see a doctor, and after this tour, I am going back to check on my mental health. And this is my advice to anyone reading this: If you feel that you are suffering from any kind of illness of the mind, or if you have any concerns about bad feelings that have been plaguing you, seek help. See a psychiatrist preferably or even a psychologist. They can help you, and most importantly, take your medication fully! Even if you feel better. I have made this mistake too. And I think I may have to go back on those pills.

Mental illness can rob you of happiness and over all enjoyment of life, so one must not take it lightly. Take it from me, I have been through it and still going through it. But I never let it get the best of me. I am not in an asylum somewhere walking around in a padded room. I am not thinking of suicide (right now) as an option. I am still by all accounts seem to be excelling and moving up in my career. As for my love life....well that is a completely different story. I will touch on that later :)

Introduction and my background

Hello there, and welcome to my blog. Allow me to give a little background on myself. Not too much as I prefer to make this blog fairly anonymous.

I was born in the early 80's in the West Indies. Within that region what is known as the southern Lesser Antilles. Born to a well off family, my father was a medical professional and my mother a house wife. I can remember as far back to the point where I recall wearing diapers, so with that being said, allow me to describe my educational childhood. Ever since I was a young boy I always seemed to be a bit of a thinker and dreamer. There were times I recall just walking around the house bottomless, only wearing a t-shirt and exploring this new world that I had only recently entered.

My parents, sent me to pre-school very early at the age of 2 and a 1/2. I guess that is pretty young. Well it was something that my mother has admitted a few times that she regrets. mainly because I grew very distant after that. I am not sure myself if it was that incident or the mental health issues that would later plague my life. Everything was always such a blur.

Primary school came after, and my parents, acting on some "good" advice from a now not-so-liked relative, sent me a private primary school. This primary school (Elementary being the North American equivalent) was where many of the country's elite, expatriate, and generally white people would go too. I was one of the few children of colour. That experience I think had an effect on me. Sometimes I got teased for the colour of my skin, but not as bad as some of my other pupils, as I was a more mixed person. I also remember for some reason or the other, I was taken out of the school and put into a "special" school for learning disabilities. For about 3 years I was there. In that school I was put with a mix of pupils of all background and races. For some reason I found that I enjoyed and took greater liking to that environment. When it was decided that I had completed my course, I was sent back to the original primary school. That did not go to badly, but that good either. Only making who I thought were real friends after a year. During that time of my life I remember little instances of feeling worthless. That no one cared or liked me. That I was doomed and that maybe I should kill myself. They were only thoughts at the time, and never did I really act on them, nor did I share them with my parents or anyone else. I found myself in child group therapy as well from time to time. I never knew why I was sent to these things, I just did it.

Well moving on. After passing the National Exams, I found my self having passed for one of the "better" schools of the land. Funny because when we used to go for Family drives, I used to see this particular college (College is also considered Junior/High school), and saying that I wanted to go there. Well I did. My parents say that I did so well at the National Exams that I was in the top 5. I don't know if I believe it though. People say all kinds of things. At this time to I was going through puberty, and all of its anxious wonders of a developing male body. (That I shall leave for another entry later on)

Secondary school and this period of adolescence was very much very mixed. The school body itself compromised of mainly black and Indian (Of India) ethnicities. Not only was I in for that shock, I also was shocked by the culture of these very individuals. Some of them especially the black students were extremely superstitious, and since I had developed a taste for Rock music, that made me a "Devil man". Then things like evolution and even the dinosaurs that all the kids believed in back in primary school was disputed by these students. Religion and dogma ruled their belief system. I began to dislike, rebel, and resent them. Quickly I became an outcast, and soon found myself hating the school and all its activities. I tried to join with the Cadets, that failed. Couldn't seem to adjust to the majority black in there. Scouts also failed. Eventually I just wanted nothing to do with the school.

That attitude continued from form 1 t0 3(similar to the grade system) until when I was 15 and my current friends all abandoned me over a stupid incident which I shall probably come back to later on. Then I was forced to make friends with who ever was left over. Who ever did not "not like" me. My school grades had suffered a whole lot from this time. So did my self-esteem among other things. Which was not that high to begin with. My parents were angry and I guess so was I.

After form 4 is where things seemed to come together. I dropped the subjects I hated. Like French and Spanish and took up other subjects I enjoyed, like Biology, Geography, Social Studies, and a few more as well. I struggled with math, but it seemed that most of my immediate family had math problems. I have 2 sisters by the way, which I am sure will make it in the other entries. Many things occurred around this time too out of school, which I shall include in the other entries. Including the sexual ones, for all you interested folks out there. That will come too.

After form 5 I wrote the high school exams, also known as CXC. At this time I had also just gotten my driver's license, which was an amazing time for me as well. Many parties, many girls, many night outs. Some were even drunken night outs, all at age 17. I did get my passes though, I failed Chemistry, but say what, I didn't need to be a chemist.

After that, there was a short stint at a private International School. But then I ended right back with the very same people I thought I left forever back in primary school. I just ignored them mostly and kept to myself and the few friends I knew from before as well as the new friends that were good. Within that time many things occurred on the outside, and that is when my struggles with mental illness became more apparent. I got my credits from the school, and then left. After that I took up flight school.

So there you have it. A very much "in a nutshell" description of my earlier days of schooling. I am not sure what this blog is for, nor it's purpose, but anyone can feel free to make comments, or even ask questions. And as I said before I shall be keeping this blog anonymous. So I shall let it begin now...